the first day of school

yesterday the kids were super excited about starting school - we made lunches, bought new shoes, tried on a hundred different outfits (which was impressive considering they wear uniforms and have a finite number of combinations available), and packed backpacks.

this morning was a different story.

hardie didn't want to wear his backpack.  bea didn't want to brush her hair.  hardie wanted to bring a toy.  bea wouldn't leave without her rosary.  every step from the car to the class room got slower and slower until finally we just stopped on the sidewalk, hardie asking if he could go back to ms. rose's school and bea panicking about whether other kids were going to laugh at her bangs.  [cue: heartbreak]

we missed hardie's line-up so i walked him to his classroom.  he didn't seem happy or sad, just a little resigned to go inside.  the school encourages independence so i stopped at the door and sent my guy to class with a giant hug and kiss and maybe just a little tear.  

bea's classroom is just across from hardie's so i walked her over.  this time i went inside since it seemed a little chaotic and i didn't want her to be lost.  since kids spend 3 years in the same room with the same teacher, most of them know what to expect and what to do.  today is simply a continuation of last year (and the year before).  bea is only one of a handful of first graders in the class so she is definitely in the minority and it was obvious.  we went to her teacher and i told him her name (she wouldn't) and then asked him to please be mindful that she is new to montessori and that she didn't know any of the terminology or process.  he assured me that she would pick up on it (and by 'assured' i mean he said 'she will pick up on it') and then reminded me that an important part of a montessori education is learning independence.  and then he told me to leave.  at this point bea had run to the other side of the room and was hiding behind a shelf.  i told her i loved her and left. [cue: heartbreak]

the school hosted a 'boo hoo breakfast' for parents and i met up with the mom of bea's summer camp friend.  i can't stress enough how damn friendly everyone is at this school.  everyone introduces themselves and asks about your kids and seems genuinely interested in knowing you.  we all live in the neighborhood, go to the same school, go to the same church, and have the same complaints about the neighborhood newsletter that keeps showing up no matter how many times we ask it to stop.  i like being part of community - it is something that was painfully lacking at our previous school.  it was also nice to hear that we all have the same   kid struggles - not wanting to take a bath, not wanting to get out of bed, forgetting to eat breakfast, melt-downs over...everything.  just as i was about to seek commiseration about this whole 'independence' idea, the other moms talked about their kids making their own lunches, brushing their own hair, being in charge of their own snacks.  i guess i was the only one brushing my kids' teeth this morning and tucking in their shirts.  i've known for a long time that taking care of kids was tough but i realized this morning that allowing them to take care of themselves is going to be far more difficult.  i don't know that i'm ready to release my babies into the world on their own but i know that i may not have a choice.  i can only hope that i've managed to instill...something that will enable them to succeed in their little world of decision making.  they are in charge of their days now - how they learn and what they learn and where they fit in to their class and their community.  and who knows, maybe one day hardie will wake up and brush his own teeth.  maybe independence isn't such a bad thing after all.

after breakfast, i walked to hardie's classroom to peek in the window but i couldn't see him.  i know he will do well.  if i am around, he just wants to be with me but alone he is confident and charming.  he is loving and well-mannered and quick to adapt.  he is the kid who leaves the house in a formal gown and doesn't think twice about what anyone else thinks.  he can be reluctant to try new things but he is easily coerced and typically does well once he knows the how of something.  

as i walked to the gate, bea's class was passing by so i ducked behind a wall to watch her.  she walked at least three feet away from any of her classmates with her head down, arms across her chest, nervously chewing on her rosary.  i wanted to run over, scoop her up and take her home - let her play wii and draw pictures and build cities out of cardboard where her stuffed animals live and love her and she never gets anxious because she is never more than an outstretched arm away from someone who loves her most.  but i didn't.  i couldn't.  

i hope her day gets better.  i hope she lifts her head up.  i hope she talks to someone.  i hope no one laughs at her hair.  i hope she remembers that she wanted her rosary because she finds comfort in her religion.  last year she stopped praying before she ate her lunch because she was embarrassed.  i hope no one laughs if she wants to pray.  i hope she remembers that i love her.  

before we went to hardie's class, i pointed out to the both of them that they were just across from one another and that if they got sad or lonely they could just look out the window and know that the other was there.  i hope they both remember to look out the window.