gender definitions - bathroom edition

no less than 5 people have sent me a link to a story circulating this week about a man in germany who chose to wear a skirt in a show of solidarity with his young (fond of wearing dresses) son.  it makes me happy to think that there are so many people in my world who accept my little guy's penchant for wearing gowns and sparkly things and gave me a good reminder to talk to my kids about gender stereotypes.  it went pretty much like this:

'beatrice - can boys wear dresses?'
'duh, mommy - yes.  there is NO SUCH THING as boy clothes or girls clothes.  boys can wear dresses and girls can wear shirts and shorts.  also there is NO SUCH THING as boy colors or girl colors.  the kids at my school said that pink is a girl color so i told them that there was NO SUCH THING as girl colors.  also boys can be princesses and girls can be princes.  hardie is a princess.  i want to be a prince.  the only thing that is BOY and GIRL is a bathroom.  boys can't use the girl bathroom.  duh.'

'hardie - can boys wear dresses?'
'yes.  i am a princess.  can i play wii?'

if my hand weren't already so sore from those gifted high-fives i would be congratulating myself on a parenting job well done.  except for the 'duh' part.

weekly index

number of school days: 5

number of lunch boxes lost: 2

hours between the start of the school year and the loss of a lunch box: 27

number of water bottles lost: 1

number of reusable sandwich bags lost: 3

number of hair accessories lost: 5

total number of recovered items: 1

minutes from house to school, driving: 4

minutes from car to class, walking: 2

minutes from sidewalk to inside door of class, shoving: 15

number of debilitating migraine headaches suffered by bea: 4

number of debilitating migraine headaches likely fabricated by bea: 4

number of times the kids went to school dressed alike: 1

number of doctor's appointments: 2

number of household members currently taking liquid medication: 3

number of medicine droppers available: 1

percentage likelihood that this one dropper will be missing before tomorrow evening: 99

hours spent on homework: 1.5

hours spent playing wii: 15

cookies are smart

this evening i received an email from bea's teacher.  my initial thought was that she was either being transferred or that she had bitten another student.  turns out?  her teacher is recommending her for the gifted and talented program.

if anyone needs me, i'll be in the other room high-fiving myself.  

the first day of school

yesterday the kids were super excited about starting school - we made lunches, bought new shoes, tried on a hundred different outfits (which was impressive considering they wear uniforms and have a finite number of combinations available), and packed backpacks.

this morning was a different story.

hardie didn't want to wear his backpack.  bea didn't want to brush her hair.  hardie wanted to bring a toy.  bea wouldn't leave without her rosary.  every step from the car to the class room got slower and slower until finally we just stopped on the sidewalk, hardie asking if he could go back to ms. rose's school and bea panicking about whether other kids were going to laugh at her bangs.  [cue: heartbreak]

we missed hardie's line-up so i walked him to his classroom.  he didn't seem happy or sad, just a little resigned to go inside.  the school encourages independence so i stopped at the door and sent my guy to class with a giant hug and kiss and maybe just a little tear.  

bea's classroom is just across from hardie's so i walked her over.  this time i went inside since it seemed a little chaotic and i didn't want her to be lost.  since kids spend 3 years in the same room with the same teacher, most of them know what to expect and what to do.  today is simply a continuation of last year (and the year before).  bea is only one of a handful of first graders in the class so she is definitely in the minority and it was obvious.  we went to her teacher and i told him her name (she wouldn't) and then asked him to please be mindful that she is new to montessori and that she didn't know any of the terminology or process.  he assured me that she would pick up on it (and by 'assured' i mean he said 'she will pick up on it') and then reminded me that an important part of a montessori education is learning independence.  and then he told me to leave.  at this point bea had run to the other side of the room and was hiding behind a shelf.  i told her i loved her and left. [cue: heartbreak]

the school hosted a 'boo hoo breakfast' for parents and i met up with the mom of bea's summer camp friend.  i can't stress enough how damn friendly everyone is at this school.  everyone introduces themselves and asks about your kids and seems genuinely interested in knowing you.  we all live in the neighborhood, go to the same school, go to the same church, and have the same complaints about the neighborhood newsletter that keeps showing up no matter how many times we ask it to stop.  i like being part of community - it is something that was painfully lacking at our previous school.  it was also nice to hear that we all have the same   kid struggles - not wanting to take a bath, not wanting to get out of bed, forgetting to eat breakfast, melt-downs over...everything.  just as i was about to seek commiseration about this whole 'independence' idea, the other moms talked about their kids making their own lunches, brushing their own hair, being in charge of their own snacks.  i guess i was the only one brushing my kids' teeth this morning and tucking in their shirts.  i've known for a long time that taking care of kids was tough but i realized this morning that allowing them to take care of themselves is going to be far more difficult.  i don't know that i'm ready to release my babies into the world on their own but i know that i may not have a choice.  i can only hope that i've managed to instill...something that will enable them to succeed in their little world of decision making.  they are in charge of their days now - how they learn and what they learn and where they fit in to their class and their community.  and who knows, maybe one day hardie will wake up and brush his own teeth.  maybe independence isn't such a bad thing after all.

after breakfast, i walked to hardie's classroom to peek in the window but i couldn't see him.  i know he will do well.  if i am around, he just wants to be with me but alone he is confident and charming.  he is loving and well-mannered and quick to adapt.  he is the kid who leaves the house in a formal gown and doesn't think twice about what anyone else thinks.  he can be reluctant to try new things but he is easily coerced and typically does well once he knows the how of something.  

as i walked to the gate, bea's class was passing by so i ducked behind a wall to watch her.  she walked at least three feet away from any of her classmates with her head down, arms across her chest, nervously chewing on her rosary.  i wanted to run over, scoop her up and take her home - let her play wii and draw pictures and build cities out of cardboard where her stuffed animals live and love her and she never gets anxious because she is never more than an outstretched arm away from someone who loves her most.  but i didn't.  i couldn't.  

i hope her day gets better.  i hope she lifts her head up.  i hope she talks to someone.  i hope no one laughs at her hair.  i hope she remembers that she wanted her rosary because she finds comfort in her religion.  last year she stopped praying before she ate her lunch because she was embarrassed.  i hope no one laughs if she wants to pray.  i hope she remembers that i love her.  

before we went to hardie's class, i pointed out to the both of them that they were just across from one another and that if they got sad or lonely they could just look out the window and know that the other was there.  i hope they both remember to look out the window.  

and it is only Friday

today was a series of small tasks made at least 4 times more difficult by the presence of two small children.  we started with yet another orientation at the kids' new school where beatrice listened, behaved, and participated like a champ.  unfortunately it was not HER orientation but since hardie spent most of the time curled up in a ball screeching 'no no no' anytime anyone came near him, i'm at least pleased that someone enjoyed the morning.  in the end, hardie came around enough to put together a puzzle and stand in line.  he wasn't really interested in walking in that line as much as he just wanted to plant himself in between two other kids and linger but, meh, i will call that a victory and declare orientation 2.0 an unprecedented success.

orientation as simple task: go to school, fill out paperwork, pat self on back for being 'involved'
orientation 4 times more difficult: lack of coordinated pee times coupled with lack of multi-gendered/multi-aged bathrooms

one of two activities hardie would try...

...and the second.  way to plant, hardie.

since bea's unfortunate staph infection was looking worse, we had to take a detour to the doctor.  thankfully, he seemed hopeful that things would clear up with a stronger round of antibiotics and the suggestion to bathe the beazle in either epsom salts or bleach.  i decided to go with the epsom salts although i'm not sure how epsom salts and bleach have the same properties outside of both being, um, stuff you can buy at a mid-sized grocery store.  when bea gets better i'm going to try adding epsom salts to my laundry and bleach to my sore muscles.


doctor as simple task: 'hi, doctor - this is my child sitting quietly on the exam table.  she would like to cooperate while you examine her condition.'
doctor 4 times more difficult: 'i'm sorry about your stethoscope.  and your computer.  and that lighted thingy that you use in people's ear.  and that book.  oh, and whatever it was that my son just broke behind me that i can't even see but can hear the unmistakable crunching sound of plastic beneath a foot.  can you write any instructions you may have for me onto a piece of paper?  my kid just ran down the hall and probably she should be wearing these pants.'

aaaaaaaaaaaaand haircuts.  miya gave hardie the 'look less like a giant-headed monster and more like a real little boy' cut and bea opted for the 'fix the part of her hair that she chewed off' do.  also, yes.  she chewed off part of her hair.  


hair cut as simple task: hair cut.  cut.  hair.
hair cut 4 times more difficult: no child locks on the up/down chair buttons

but wait! there's more!  after yoga (friday is family yoga night) we went for a swim.  a super quick swim because it was cold and there were some jerk kids.  i try not to judge other parents but when your 9-10 year-old son tells my daughter to shut up and then he kicks people's belongings into the pool you may want to think about a discipline technique other than shrugging.  you should also look a little less disturbed when someone calls your jerk kid a jerk and then suggest that someone kick him.  i would have kicked him myself but it was really cold and i didn't want to move.  also i'm pretty sure i would have been arrested if i'd actually kicked a child that wasn't my own.  jerk.

pool as simple task: sun, swim, leave when bored.

pool 4 times more difficult: three bodies, one towel.

a day in pictures

opening of the house

if yesterday was any indication, i am in for an entire year of stifled giggles and involuntary eye-rolls.  montessori is unintentionally hilarious and (likely intentionally) pompous.  i'm not sure what else to say about it, honestly.  bea's teacher is a man which bugs me a lot but he seems cordial enough and i'm hoping he has a tragic accident in the first few weeks of class so i don't have to deal with him for 3 years.  i'm not sure what my prejudice is but i loathe the idea of bea being instructed by a man, especially during these formative years.  i would like her to be surrounded by positive role models and, biologically, a man will never be a role model. despite my reservations, bea left the classroom declaring her love for her new school and wish to start class immediately.

then we talked about uniforms and she wasn't so excited anymore.

anyway that was about the extent of my evening with the munchkins.  earlier in the day they went to the zoo and now hardie wants a pet elephant.

simultaneously creepy and giggly

in which i get injured and the children get chicken

monday i promised the kids we would go to the park after family boot camp but since i tend to forget that the instructors lead the class as boot camp + children rather than boot camp FOR children i was completely exhausted and the thought of having to even walk the distance to the play equipment at the gym seemed impossible.  i told bea that i would make it up to her prompting her to ask what the heck 'making it up' meant.  i explained that it meant i had disappointed her but that i would try to make her happy again soon.  this is only one of many expressions she's learned lately including 'boo-yah'.  she doesn't quite yet understand when to use the term so we get a lot of random BOO-YAH around the house.  time to take a bath?  BOO-YAH.  ready for dinner?  BOO-YAH.  can't find the brush?  BOO-YAH.  it is a lot like living with a drunk frat boy except slightly less douchey and decidedly cuter.

according to the gym:
 hurley and Bbbb

yesterday our plan was to go to the park after the gym [during which i managed to have a near death experience in a spin class] with the contingency plan that if it was raining or dark we would go to chik-fil-a.  clearly the kids were not aware of the political implications of chik-fil-a and i figured it was too soon to explain so i surreptitiously ventured to the restaurant and tried to pretend that i wasn't a bigot.  much chicken ensued and everyone was surprisingly willing to leave - nary a complaint or whine - leading me to believe that chik-fil-a is including valium in their nuggets, perhaps as a means of calming the raging crowds.  or it was late and they were tired.  either way it made for a pleasant experience all around.

at home we played for a bit and then watched a pony movie together, though i fell asleep about 5 minutes in so i honestly have no idea how the kids made it back to their beds or whether they managed to wander into the street in the middle of the night but i'm pretty sure they still exist.  BOO-YAH.

an impromptu camping trip

in which the children discuss something other than super mario bros

i'm not sure how it started, but last night i sat in the kids' room and talked and i learned that beatrice is nervous about starting first grade because she doesn't like being the new girl.  i also learned that she was being teased - about being new, about her clothes, about generally just being bea.  it broke my heart both to know that she is being hurt and that she didn't feel like she could talk to me. 

i told her that she should never be afraid to talk to me and that i would never be angry or upset with her for telling me the truth, no matter what.  i told her that if she was ever teased again she should tell me and that i would do everything in my power to make it better.  i also told her that if i couldn't make it better - and sometimes i wouldn't - that i would take her out for ice cream and at least we could be sad over dessert.

i struggle a lot with how to make bea a happy and confident little girl.  she is so easily hurt and discouraged and nothing i say or do seems to bolster either her mood or her confidence.  i tell her that she is smart and special and talented and beautiful but it either doesn't matter or doesn't come across as sincere.  maybe both.  even more than i never want to see my babies physically injured i don't want to see them emotionally hurt. 

meanwhile, hardie added the ever helpful 'if someone teases you you don't be their friend'.  also he was pretty excited about the ice cream.